Sunday, September 5, 2010

Don't Hate Me Because I am Beautiful!

Dear James and Mirriam,

I am a young bride, married to a foreigner who people sometimes mistake as my father.  When he was still courting me I got the impression that he was well-off.  I was not overly in love with him, in fact I was fancying a younger man.  I was working in a bar when we met.  I was young and I did not intend to work in a bar in a foreign country too.  This man who became my husband helped me to get out from that bar and together we returned to my country.  We got married, we live comfortably but  I miss the days when I was an entertainer and clients give me a huge tip for a song or for sitting and having drinks with them. 

We came to know another couple whom we treated as our parents.  They were older, wiser,  and they were nice to us. They are also well-off.   We always went out together in excursions, in bar hopping, etc.  One time, the wife went to the city to attend a convention and the old man and us,  together with another couple went bar-hopping.  I saw that the husband was a little lonely so I did my best to humor him.  He was agreeable and even more well-behaved when his wife is not around.  He and his wife, although they love each other very much,  are always bickering in public and we find it amusing. The husband liked the attention I gave him and I was happy that he warmed up to me.

The problem is I developed a schoolgirl crush on the husband  and the wife noticed. I made the mistake too of posting on my Facebook status what I feel about the whole situation, how I feel about him.  I guess the wife got pissed off (we are Facebook buddies) as she avoided our company, although the husband still went with us.  My husband and I noticed the wife's avoidance so we did not invite her anymore to join us, and instead invited the husband only.  There was one time when we saw them in a bar and we decided to join this husband and wife with another couple.   We observed  that the wife was uncomfortable and decided to go home,  telling us that she was not feeling well.  The husband went home with her.  Each time we see them, the wife feigns sickness or something and would like to go home alone.  We have no problem about that but the husband always decides to go home with her too. I don't like to lose our friendship with them, and I even posted in my Facebook status that I am so in love with my husband and I am contented with our life and financial status. My husband also posted in his Facebook status that he loves me so much.  I am trying my best  not to flirt with the husband anymore, but can I help it if he looks my way?  I am very attractive, modesty aside.  I am an eye candy - I fix my long hair and everyone looks at how I expertly I tie my gorgeous hair in a bun; I look at the men sideways and they can't resist looking at me the whole evening; I smile at them with a naughty hint and men approach me, hover around me, even with my husband around.  Even in cyper space chat room, I have many admirers.  Some would even send me money, laptop, Blackberry, etc., but of course I can't take them as my husband will find out I am chatting in internet with other men while he's sleeping.    Back to my problem, can't the wife just forget the whole thing and be the friend that I used to have?  I miss our friendship - she used to give me nice  trinkets; treat me to nice restos; listen to my stories about my other admirers; give advice when my husband and I are fighting, etc.

Don't Hate Me Because I am Beautiful

Advice from Mirriam:

Dear Don't Hate Me Because I am Beautiful,

Give the wife peace.  How can you expect to be friends with the wife whose husband you flirted with?  And as you said, you are trying not to flirt with the husband anymore, but everyone could see that you are a natural flirt.  The wife tolerated your flirtation before, because they were directed to other men.   Being a friend of hers before,  she must have known your tricks already. Your crush on the old man may be borne out of your fantasies of having a luxurious life with him as you said they are well-off.   Put yourself in the wife's shoes,  do you think that trust could be restored after this?  Don't count on it. Be grateful that she did not pull your hair.  Be grateful that you have a tolerant husband. Count your blessings.  Let this experience be a lesson to you.  Don't flirt with your friend's husband, don't flirt with any other men.  There are good subtle flirtations which could make the other person feel good, like what you did when the wife was away, but bringing it to another level which I assumed you did as you admitted you developed a crush on the husband is not acceptable. 


Advice from James:

Dear Don't Hate Me Because I am Beautiful,

What is your husband's stand on this?  Mirriam is right,  count your blessings.  You have a husband who loves you unconditionally.  Stop the flirtation with other men and grow up.  Your husband may not be able to give you the luxuries and the money that you used to enjoy when you were an entertainer, but you and him are building your life together now.  Your husband is thinking long term - your life together for fifty years or so, not an hour of entertainment in a bar.

You and your husband invited the husband only -  do you think he will enjoy and will be comfortable being with you and your husband while his wife is waiting at home? 

And what's this business of chatting with other men in cyber space?  Are you still looking?  Devote your time to more productive stuff, like keeping your house, learning to cook, educating yourself, reading worthwhile books, etc. 

Beauty and youth will fade, build a good character.